Standardized Tests Saving the American Dream

If we as a nation learned anything from World War II, it’s this: never let the Japanese outsmart you. And in the years since then, we’ve been doing a fine job of staying number one. Our system of standardized testing stands as a monument to American freedom and innovation. Using these tests, we are able to hold our public schools to the highest standards.
But our ideals have come under attack. The culprit: political correctness. Liberals, teachers and other deviants have begun to complain that our standardized testing system ignores cultural heterogeneity and financial hardships. However, they have forgotten that they are in America. We are here to show the world that in this fine country, your value isn’t measured by your race or socioeconomic status, but by your SAT scores. We collect data only in the name of fairness and equality. And by comparing the scores of our students nationwide, we can decide who is worthy of our colleges, and keep the American dream alive.

Let’s be frank, we can’t go back to America’s golden years, when in school we learned how to survive a nuclear attack, or when ketchup and relish satisfied nutritional needs. But we can keep alive the spirit of those proud days. Why not engage in a little competition among innocent rivals? God knows what kind of new educational technologies the Russians are developing right now. Meanwhile, Chinese students are studying for years to pass twelve-hour university entrance exams. And what better test of efficiency than to compare ourselves to the Chinese? It is our American duty to take as many AP classes as possible. How else can we know that we’re winning? We need a way to measure how much our students are learning, so why not use the most honest and objective method available: hard data?

There’s an old saying in statistics: “The numbers don’t lie.” And neither should our nation’s educators. Because what are excuses such as biased curricula and lack of funding for schools but lies to cover up for the fact that most of our nation’s teachers can’t do their jobs well enough to make all of their students score top marks? We must ask, why are a majority of our students earning average marks? Should we have such low standards? With just a little extra push, we could have every one of our nation’s students scoring in the top 25th percentile next year. And why stop there? We should make every high school class give AP credit, so students get an even bigger head-start on college material. A key point of understanding is that our standardized tests are not a teaching mechanism, but a measuring tool. The higher the test results, the better of a job our schools are doing. And by setting our own curriculum and standards, we’re able to ensure that our students are learning the right material.

It’s time to stop demonizing our testing system. What harm can an SAT cause? High school students have greater threats to worry about than a paper test, such as drugs and premarital sex. Standardized testing is keeping our kids out of the concrete jungle, and deep into the blackboard jungle. And what better measure of progress than the heartwarming story of a young girl who is kept off the streets, and constantly alone in the comforts of her own study? This nation needs a generation of shut-ins.

Standardized testing uplifts the morals of American youth, fostering values such as self-respect and cooperation. It also teaches values of financial responsibility. In order to pay for hundreds of dollars of testing fees and exorbitant tutoring costs, students can get their first jobs. After all, if they get good enough scores, it will be the last time they ever have to do hard work. And in the end, what is the purpose of our educational system but to protect American values? We are doing our country proud, reaching back to the cutthroat meritocracy that our founding fathers envisioned. And our school administrators get it also; our low testing schools and programs are rapidly closing, sacrificing themselves to allow their students to move to higher performing schools in the American spirit. If there were only a standardized test for patriotism.