The Best Thing Since Remote Controls
Since last publication, the holidays rolled in and out of our hearts, homes and families. As you may or may not know, it was the season of giving. If you’re a Jew, like me, you probably got books, as I did. Conversely, “goys” probably got awesome things like PS3s, flat screen TVs and ponies. However, those whose loved ones truly loved them, received the greatest gift of all: a Snuggie. I was one of one of those lucky recipients, although I actually did not receive mine from a loved one. I won mine in the most heated white elephant game imaginable. We were all praying to odd gods for the Snuggie. Names like Hades, Cthulu, Ra, Mercury, Buddha, et cetera were thrown around. I prayed to Batman, and he served me well. I wanted the Snuggie just to say that I had a Snuggie, but when I put it on, I was in love. Nothing I have ever experienced equals the sensation of my first time. The extreme comfort, the tingling sensation as my arms warmed, the ability to use the remote comfortably. My Snuggie and I have been together for a couple of weeks now and during this time, I developed some realizations.
I noticed that most Snuggies are received as gifts. This made me come to my first hypothesis about Snuggies: you absolutely cannot buy a Snuggie for yourself. When your loved one buys you something, usually it is out of generosity and kindness. When you buy yourself something, it is usually out of need. Snuggies are simply not needed. The only reason a blanket with sleeves would be necessary is if you wanted to sit on your fat ass watching TV all day by yourself while eating ice cream and being completely oblivious to the fact that you haven’t showered in a week. An un–gifted Snuggie is kind of sad, in my opinion. But the season of giving has passed, and what if you weren’t gifted one? Never fear! Another holiday that’s perfect for the Snuggie is just around the corner…Valentine’s Day!
Second realization: Snuggies fit two perfectly! Drop hints to your boo about how romantic it would be to Snuggle with them within a Snuggie. If you don’t currently have a boo, get one and drop the hints for them to get your Snuggie as soon as possible.
Third assertion about Snuggies: they’re not like anything you’ve ever worn, unless you’ve tried on a Slanket. It’s not just a robe turned around because, as the marketing says, it’s a blanket with sleeves! Meaning, it’s full sized and goes past your feet (Snuggie side–rule: do not take your Snuggie outside, unless you enjoy leaves and grime at the bottom of your blankets.) Going past your feet means, if you try to walk around with it you will either have to pull it up to keep it out of feet’s reach or stumble on it, and die. Furthermore, a blanket with holes cut out for arms is by no means equal to a Snuggie. The secret to Snuggies is that you get incredible warmth and yet are able to flip book pages, change the channel or eat fajitas on your couch without exposing your supple, shivering arms. This provides the Snuggie’s unbelievable comfort.
Despite all the lovely experiential properties of my Snuggie, a lingering doubt stays with me. What does the Snuggie represent about our times? It, along with Youtube, 500 channel “on-demand” TV, and the fact that Transformers 2 was the highest grossing film of 2009, shows that our current culture has a rabid attraction toward escapism. The Snuggie heightens that avoidance to the point of sheer laziness. The cheap, cozy ability to peel an orange while watching sitcoms in your Snuggie, distracts you from the scary world, and makes doing nothing too appealing and accessible.
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